October 9, 2023<\/p>\n\n\n\n
It’s been two months since we lost our dear corgi, Chowder, and I can’t say I’ve processed the loss fully. I suppose grieving is never a complete process; you continually learn how to cope with the reality of the situation. Over time, I’ve found that you start smiling in memory of the passed loved one, rather than tear up. But it’s been a lot of both for me. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
When we first lost Chowder, I was bereft but had no emotional space to be. I was far from home — both Colorado Springs and Warwick — with other stressful matters at play. I wanted to give Chowder the proper thought and mourning he deserved, but I couldn’t do it. I’m trying to now. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
Chowder had a special place in all of our hearts. I can honestly say he had a unique relationship with each of us. For me, he was in many ways my soul dog. We grew together in our ability to let others in — to find a lot of comfort in being around others, even in silence. In these last couple years, I really felt touched and honored that he spent time with me. That he’d follow me into rooms and sit under or by my chair while I read or worked or watched TV. He wanted to be with me, and I with him. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I just spent the weekend with my college roommate, Marta, and we talked about the “Roman Empire” trend — how men seem to think about the Roman Empire way more often than you’d expect. “Do you have any ‘Roman Empires’?” she asked me. “Something you think about all the time even though it doesn’t necessarily make sense?”<\/p>\n\n\n\n
The first thing that came to mind was Chowder. I tried not to get choked up when I realized I hadn’t thought of him in this way in a couple months. I genuinely would wonder what he was doing in my free time. Whether he was lying on the porch or sitting at the top of our hill, watching. I wondered if he’d gone to the park and had had a fun time. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
There were many times on this trip where I would stare out the car window and think how much it would hurt to go home and not see him. I would tear up thinking about the last time I saw him — April, for the Boston Marathon, him happy and healthy. No one could have prepared our family for this devastation. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
As much as we talk about Chow fondly and put on a brave face for our other dog, Heidi the dachshund, I know we’re all denying how much we actually are hurting. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
It happened on my first full day home. My dad, Fletcher, and I were standing on a busy Manhattan street. We were just chatting when a pedestrian with a corgi passed us. It was like all the air around us got sucked up. There was a palpable beat as we watched the dog totter off, its cute corgi butt fading into the distance. We took a collective deep breath and tried to return to our conversation. That’s when I knew that we were still so incredibly hurt. <\/p>\n\n\n\n
I’ve put off this post for a long time now, thinking I couldn’t do it until I really<\/em> could let out the sobs. I wish I could give that corgi one last squeeze, as much as he hated to be held. I wish I could watch him sprinting up our hill in anticipation of a treat from my mom. I still think he’s going to be seated at the top of the steps outside the door when I go home. <\/p>\n\n\n\n I just hope that he wasn’t in pain when he left us. I’m not a very religious person, but I do think he’s supervising us, the way he always did. I’d like to think that the good things, the lucky things, the serendipitous things that have happened to me in the last couple months are his doing. I hope he’s proud of us and understands why we haven’t been able to confront his death very well. I know he knows we loved him so deeply and unconditionally; but I wish I could give him more, somehow. <\/p>\n\n\n\n August 3, 2024<\/p>\n\n\n\n It’s been a year without Chowder now, and everything that I wrote remains shockingly true. I didn’t have the heart to post about him in October, but I feel strongly enough that he deserves the attention now. Not a day goes by without me thinking about our beautiful boy. Love and miss you, Chow. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" October 9, 2023 It’s been two months since we lost our dear corgi, Chowder, and I can’t say I’ve processed the loss fully. I suppose grieving is never a complete process; you continually learn how […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":3,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[3],"tags":[],"class_list":["post-2334","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-ponderings"],"post_mailing_queue_ids":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/excrcl.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2334","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/excrcl.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/excrcl.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/excrcl.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/3"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/excrcl.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2334"}],"version-history":[{"count":2,"href":"https:\/\/excrcl.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2334\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":2435,"href":"https:\/\/excrcl.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2334\/revisions\/2435"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/excrcl.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2334"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/excrcl.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2334"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/excrcl.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2334"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}