3 years. That’s how long I should actually expect my business to take to find its groove. And here I am, beating myself up when it’s been 4 months.

I’ve been in a weird state for the past month or so, at times thriving, other times concerned for my health. For the most part, it’s been fun sprinkled with some moments of deep self-doubt and insecurity. The past week was especially high energy, since it was my birthday as well as one of my best friend’s, Casey’s. It felt like I was constantly socializing or eating something unhealthy, to the point where I actually did feel my social battery draining. I like being around people—people I’m close with—so this week didn’t seem like much of a drain. But internally, I knew I needed to be alone with my thoughts. read more

I remember a distinct moment in my junior year of college. I was in my apartment, chatting with my roommate, Ines. We were trying to make a plan to hang out, because despite living together, we barely saw each other each day.

“What about lunch tomorrow?” she asked.

“Can’t. I’ve got a drum lesson at 12:30.”

“Well, what about dinner Thursday night?”

“I’ve got newspaper editing all afternoon and evening.”

“Friday afternoon?” read more

If you’re single as an adult and live far from your parents, certain asks can be tricky.

When you’re a kid or you’re dating someone, there’s no real doubt who’s going to drive you to the airport: your parent or your significant other. The same goes for the finish line of your race, your big performances, your presentations; you are guaranteed the support and presence of these people. Not to mention all the day-to-day favors that your parents or partner will do without a second thought: picking you up at your car appointment, letting out your dog. read more

I had an epiphany a couple of months ago while I was driving with my dad, as we attempted to get onto another ghastly NJ highway. The entrance lane was clearly an afterthought; it afforded no merging space, just a feeble yield sign leading into ceaseless oncoming traffic. And a bus was dropping people off, to boot. 

We watched perhaps the most stereotypical demographic pour from the bus steps. Men in suits, leaving their white collar jobs. Men in jeans, boots, and soiled shirts, leaving their blue collar jobs. Working moms with their school-age kids in tow. A stray 20-something with a backpack and AirPods. All the people you’d expect to get off a bus at 4:00 on a Wednesday afternoon.  read more

It’s been two years today since I moved into home sweet tiny home. A year ago, I put a post on Instagram admitting that despite setting down roots, I had left my house for the majority of the year and had learned that I don’t like living alone.

A year later, I still don’t love living by myself. However, I’ve made peace with it. Part of it is due to the amazing help I’ve received from my parents to make the place feel truly mine. There are now plants growing in the front and backyard; we built a deck, which now has actual furniture on it; we remodeled the garage for a big project I have ahead. My house has never felt uncomfortable or lacking homey-ness, but the silence in it was constantly making me feel lonesome. As if: what good was such a wonderful space without someone to share it with? read more

I was in a dissociative state the last three days at work, completely numb to the utter chaos around me.

It’s REI’s biggest sale of the year — “A Sale,” or “Anniversary Sale” — and I can say, without a doubt, it brings out the most heathenish side of people I have ever witnessed. There were 2-3 dozen people outside the store doors on Friday morning, Day 1. The store traffic is insane; the phone line is constantly occupied. Footwear, call on line 3. Action Sports, line 4. Service Advisor, line 6. People are shoving shoes in my coworker’s faces, asking for attention when each of said coworkers is already working with 5 other customers. I folded more pants this weekend than anyone should have to do in a lifetime and re-racked hundreds of items of clothes. I am exhausted. read more

It’s been raining. Kind of a lot. When they say that Colorado gets 300 days of sun a year, it’s not an exaggeration; in fact, sometimes it feels like more. It’s weird when it rains here, so when it rains several days in a row … it’s downright upsetting. I was doing alright initially, but the weather really does affect my mood. I’ve felt mopey and down the past few days when nothing is wrong.

I could see the weather coming in on Sunday afternoon, and I made a comment to a customer checking out at REI. He responded, “I actually love this weather. I love how it makes for a quiet ambience.” read more

I felt sobered the moment I walked in. It had been just a little over year since I had last seen my grandparents, but things felt palpably different. My grandmother, just turned 87 this March 31st, was now practically bedridden. My grandfather, just turned 90 two weeks before her, had worn himself down caretaking. Still adamant to do things himself, I watched him struggle to stand up from the couch, to reach down for a pen dropped on the floor. While I acknowledge that aging is a part of life, it doesn’t make it any easier to watch your loved ones slow down this way. When I entered my grandparents’ bedroom, I tried to hide my visible concern and disheartenment over the situation. As we chatted — me, my grandmother, my grandfather, and my aunt Kathleen — I felt my unease decrease, but never really disappear. read more

I remember lamenting with my siblings a few years back how New Year’s Eve is kind of the worst. “There’s so much pressure to do something spectacular to cap off the year,” my brother pointed out. I had to agree — New Year’s Eve always felt like an afterthought, then would suddenly arrive and impose.

Most New Year’s Eves I’ve had were nothing to write home about. The best one, ironically, was NYE 2019 — as in, right before COVID hit. My middle school friends and I went to one of their family cabins in Vermont, where we went sledding, drank Heady Toppers, played drinking games, and took shotskis. 2020 is our year! We were so wrong. The following year, I had grand plans to go to Vegas with two of my best friends for NYE, which came to a grinding halt when I landed and found out my brother had COVID. Cue me quarantining for the next two weeks in my apartment, alone and restless. read more

Still in hot pursuit of a full-time job, my life has become the busiest it has ever been, thanks to the two part-time jobs I picked up. Now a hostess and a seasonal sales associate at REI, I am constantly interacting with human beings and moving around. Though it’s only been a couple of months, I’ve learned a lot about myself, strangers, and the minutiae of running shoes and hiking boots. It’s more than I ever expected.

In both jobs, I’m getting thousands of steps a day. The restaurant where I work isn’t even big, and yet, I comfortably get anywhere between 6,000 and 10,000 steps per shift — and the shifts are usually only 3-4 hours. Likewise, at REI, I’ll usually get 8-13,000 steps per shift, hustling between three footwear “warehouses.” To say I underestimated how physically demanding these customer service roles are would be a gross understatement. What initially felt like an overwhelming amount of physical activity (considering I am always actively training for running and climbing too) now feels relatively manageable. My running coach, David (who ironically I met at REI and now WORK with), commented during my first week, “The time on your feet in this job is awesome!” At least my coach wasn’t worried. I did think to myself the other day: if working these two jobs builds my endurance (long hours, walking/running around, staying mentally active), I’ve got to believe they’ll make me an even better ultra runner. read more

“What a place to find ourselves,” Nate mused.

Since the moment he said the words, I’ve been meditating on the double entendre. We were outside of Crested Butte, on our second pass of three for the day: Copper Creek. Nate had improbably acquired backcountry permits for both Maroon Bells and Conundrum Hot Springs in a single weekend and had invited me along for the latter. We had met up the previous evening, camped near the trailhead, and had hiked roughly 10 miles toward the hot springs — the long, scenic way. When he said, “What a place to find ourselves,” Nate meant that the scenery was unparalleled. Hiking in this area of Colorado during peak foliage season is somewhat unreal. Every viewpoint we got seemed even more pristine; we were practically living inside a postcard. I couldn’t help but feel so enormously grateful. read more

October 9, 2023

It’s been two months since we lost our dear corgi, Chowder, and I can’t say I’ve processed the loss fully. I suppose grieving is never a complete process; you continually learn how to cope with the reality of the situation. Over time, I’ve found that you start smiling in memory of the passed loved one, rather than tear up. But it’s been a lot of both for me.

When we first lost Chowder, I was bereft but had no emotional space to be. I was far from home — both Colorado Springs and Warwick — with other stressful matters at play. I wanted to give Chowder the proper thought and mourning he deserved, but I couldn’t do it. I’m trying to now. read more

Thursday, May 9 – 8:30 p.m.

I feel like a dumb girl and am completely OK with it.

I’ll explain.

Sometime back in March, I decided I would rent out my house for at least the month of May. I had already rented it out for March, and given my not-super-great salary, it was such a relief to have someone else cover my mortgage. I knew I’d be gone for most of May, so it seemed like a no-brainer. I started looking for renters.

I was contacted by a couple looking to rent in the Springs while they searched for a home. They were looking for a place for at least 6 months — that, I couldn’t do. I turned them down for a girl looking to rent from the end of May to August. read more

The piano notes were unmistakable as I entered the liquor store. I froze in my tracks.

“Ryan, I can’t believe this. They’re playing some incredibly niche Paul McCartney in here. Like, 2005 Paul McCartney. It’s an album my dad always played — Chaos and Creation in the Backyard. See, this is why Weber is the best.”

I am incredibly fond of Weber Street Liquor. It’s the liquor store for my alma mater, Colorado College. Students frequent this place so often, when school starts back up in August, Weber hangs a banner out front that says “Welcome home, Tigers!” My roommate, Marta, and I were regulars during our college years. Recognizing that we knew virtually nothing about craft beer, we embarked on a beer “connoisseurship.” We’d build a mix-and-match 6-pack (affectionately dubbed a “mixy sixy”) with some arbitrary rule (e.g. select only beers in purple cans). Then we’d proceed to split each beer over the course of the week, rate them out of 5, and write up a review. I would tape a torn piece of scrap paper to the can with our summary, and Marta would plant a succulent in the can. The good old days. read more

“His last name is just so rare and fun-sounding, I have to believe it must mean something very specific — like, ‘little cup of chocolate.'”

I laughed and shook my head at my dad. We were heading to Colorado to visit family friends in Grand Lake, but first with a stop to the Front Range. There, we’d visit Colorado College, my eventual alma mater (though at the time I was undecided) and link up with my dad’s friend, John (“Captain”), in Boulder. My dad had asked Captain if he knew of any climbing guides who could take me out on some real rock. One of the strongest pulls for me to go to college in Colorado was rock climbing, but as a primarily gym climber, I wanted to see and feel the rocks myself. Captain knew just the guy: Rob Coppolillo. Or as my dad would henceforth refer to him, Rob ‘Little Cup of Chocolate.’ read more

I recently caught up with my family friend, John Mann, over a beer in Colorado Springs. He was asking me what’s new, as he always does. I always seem a bit of a mess, too restless to ever stop flitting from one activity to another. I told him how some things had all come to a head this last month, and he responded, “Sounds like you were running so fast, you got caught.” I could not have said it better myself.

Ryan likes to drive me crazy by saying ridiculous pithy statements. He’ll say something like, “What a time to have a time,” in a magnanimous dad voice, or, “Well, I guess it’s about that time we shut our eyes, don’t you think?” I think that despite my exasperation, I’m still slightly amused because these comments aren’t that rare for actual dads to say. As someone who has lots of “dad friends,” I hear these inane statements all the time. Even in my work, I review off-road trail submissions by dads across the country, writing the same practically meaningless comments. My favorite recently: “This trail is an adventure of adventures.” read more

Ever since working for Clif Bar & Company, I’ve had an obsession with the Consumer Packaged Goods (CPG) industry. At Clif, I’d read articles daily about flavor trends, new products, and consumer insights. I can’t say why I was so interested, but I got hooked. I’d look for specific releases at the store and tell people about the rise of probiotics and nostalgic flavors.

Concurrently, I was semi-jokingly trying to get “sponsored” by Clif. Really, I just wanted Clif (or any other admirable CPG brand) to send me free products that I would then post about on Instagram through silly videos and pictures. I didn’t want to be paid, necessarily; I just wanted to rep brands I liked and not pay for their products. I do a lot of fun outdoor activities — wouldn’t brands love to see me making posts about their products while I’m jogging down a mountain trail or hanging off a boulder? read more

I was rummaging through the guest bathroom drawers when I found the white t-shirts. Wrapping up a short visit to my grandparents at their condo in Longboat Key, I was checking for any missing items to pack. It was a stack of undershirts. Nothing out of the ordinary – mostly Hanes brand – a few more rumpled than others. I knew immediately that they belonged to my grandfather. In an instant, I was sure I would take one. I inspected their sizes and fits (and honestly, their cleanliness – my grandfather is where I get my tendency to spill food on myself) and settled on a V-neck. Into the suitcase it went. read more

New year, same me. 2024 arrived without any bells and whistles, and I’m alright with it. I don’t find myself accidentally writing or typing 2023, mercifully. 2023 was so tumultuous that 2024, in contrast, entered the room calm, cool, and collected.

My new friend, Maddie, introduced me to the idea of your “magnetic” self. It’s a version of you that you haven’t quite reached, but it’s an elevated version — a version you are striving for. We were out climbing with her partner, Eric, who was struggling on his project (a 5.14, the animal that he is). She was explaining how Eric’s magnetic self could be the Eric that sends 5.14 with strength and grace, even though current Eric is doing a messy job of it right now. read more

I recently stopped by Ryan’s house to make lunch. It wasn’t anything out of the ordinary. Ryan was still coming back from an appointment, and his mom, Doris, insisted I eat a small bowl of soup before he got back. She had just made chicken and rice with carrots, and she quickly fixed me a bowl, heating it up and sprinkling pepper on top. I couldn’t complain.

Ryan eventually returned and helped himself to soup too. Maybe we didn’t really need to cook, after all. When we don’t eat a meal, we eat kind of a smorgasbord of snacks instead, which I’m always fine with. Ryan proceeded to pull out yogurt and make two bowls, adding honey, granola, and raspberries. Then he opened a packet of Clif Thins, spread both with peanut butter, drizzled some honey on top, and handed me one. A somewhat random lunch, but pretty tasty. read more

It was the first week of October that got me thinking.

I had been back in Colorado Springs for less than a week, and I was catching up with my friend Jenny over a trail run and coffee. We had been discussing a variety of things, when she paused mid-sentence and asked, “How old are you again?”

“26. Turning 27 next month.”

“Man, you’re still so young. But I will say — 27 was a hard year. Not just for me, but it seemed like it was difficult for a lot of my friends. It’s something about being 5 years out of college, wondering if you’re on the right path…” read more

One of my favorite aspects of reading Lord of the Rings is the very niche verbiage Tolkien uses. The best word he uses, in my opinion, is errantry: the quality, condition, or fact of wandering; especially : a roving in search of chivalrous adventure. If I could use a word to synthesize how I wish my life to be … it would be that one.

Sometimes I think that I am so logistically-obsessed that I never leave room for things to just happen seamlessly. In other words, I always think I’m going encounter some sort of snag or hurdle that will hamper my plans. (It reminds me of a great quote from my grandmother, Joan Rita Laico: “I always assume I’m gonna get screwed over, and I usually do!” … but not that extreme.) read more

When people bring up the TV show Ted Lasso, I always commend it for its approach to mental health. I truly feel it destigmatizes the subject in a way that’s not overbearing but seeks to educate its viewers — particularly the episode in which Ted has a panic attack. As a person who’s had panic attacks in the past, I felt the episode did an accurate job of depicting the sensation of one. How your surroundings can be perfectly harmless — fun, even — but as the individual, everything feels wrong. Your sense of reality gets lost in the fray. read more